The Barren Tree: Meditations on Finding God in Suffering
by JP Fanfic
Summary: Meditations on The Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence. Where is God in our suffering? These are the devotions of a man struggling to give his life wholly to God in the midst of trials.
1. The Quiet Voice of God

"All creatures look to you to give them their food at the proper time.

When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.

When you hide your face, they are terrified; when you take away their breath, they die and return to the dust." Psalm 104:29

"I will sing to the LORD all my life; I will sing praise to my God as long as I live.

May my meditation be pleasing to him, as I rejoice in the LORD." Psalm 104:33

"And he is not served by human hands, as if he needed anything. Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else." Acts 17:25

"That in the winter, seeing a tree stripped of its leaves, and considering that within a little time, the leaves would be renewed, and after that the flowers and fruit appear, he received a high view of the Providence and Power of GOD, which has never since been effaced from his soul. That this view had perfectly set him loose from the world, and kindled in him such a love for GOD, that he could not tell whether it had increased in above forty years that he had lived since." -Brother Lawrence, The Practice of the Presence of God

...

It has been noticed by many, especially earlier times, that creation sings the glories of God. (Ps 19:1) Some of the ancient writers had seen this and what they observed in the created world drew their hearts into a deep fellowship with God. Brother Lawrence in the year 1666 expresses this in something as unbeautiful as a barren tree. He was a man that was clumsy and having a heavy understanding of his sin and his faults, he resigned himself to give up his life, with all its pleasures, to God. However, he did not find that God was as willing to remove all of his pleasures. Instead, to Brother Lawerence's surprise, God offered him the divine pleasure of Himself. The barren tree found that in a short time, it would bear fruit and have joy in place of his sorrow. The details of this discovery can be found in the first conversation of The Practice of the Presence of God.

So too, we look into the world God has created, and we search for meaning for the suffering we experience; a reason for the fear, the despair, the striving, and ignorance that we all suffer in life. Many of us find ourselves as the barren tree found in that book. This devotion is for the broken-hearted, for the suffering, for the fearful and the despairing.

For many who are not in the throes of pain, the words of this devotion will seem academic much like C.S. Lewis' The Problem of Pain. But for those that are there or have been there, you will hear the cries of a fellow brother familiar with suffering like C.S. Lewis' A Grief Observed. For my brothers and sisters in suffering. This is for you, with love and sympathy.

* * *

 **The Quiet Voice of God within the Shouts of Suffering**

 **A meditation on the First Conversation with Brother Lawrence from** **The Practice of the Presence of God**

Brother Lawrence found God in a barren tree; Moses in a burning bush; Elijah in a still small voice, and Jonah in the belly of a whale. David details over and and over in the Psalms how he saw God's handiwork all around him (Psalm 104). But I very rarely look close enough to see God's fingerprints. In the midst of pain, do I look at the hills, the trees, or the heavens above? And if I do, it may only be to throw rocks at heaven and cry out why? (an experience I am familiar with) That heaven only looks back, silent and cold. Where is the God that condescended to become a man? Would he condescend again into my trials and rescue me from my pain? Perhaps that is the wrong question. I mean to challenge myself with this thinking.

The question is not why will not God save me from my struggles, but rather, why are there not more. The question pains me. Brother Lawrence came to the same conclusion when he said, "That as for the miseries and sins he heard of daily in the world, he was so far from wondering at them that, on the contrary, he was surprised that there were not more, considering the malice sinners were capable of."

At once I must move past trying to remove my struggles from life, and to seek the only pleasure worth giving my life for. I am reminded of Christ's teaching. "Whoever loses his life for my sake, will find it." Matt 10:39

To be honest, I rarely look at a barren tree and see the love of God, or to the stars to hear them declaring the glory of God. I see a tree, a creation yes, but a tree. Is my mind not creative enough to see beyond the veil of this world, and into the true substance of eternity? Or does it not please God for me to meet Him there? So my soul cries out, _meet with me_. Who have I in heaven but you? You have broken me. The things in this life that I have loved more than you are being peeled away, until I finally and painfully start to seek you. Then where are you?

"When you hide your face, they are terrified." Ps 104:29. Isn't that true? And so if I am afraid, I am because it is what is left of me after you have hidden your face. Still where else can I go, for you alone hold the words of life. I breathe in and out in tears. Please meet with me, do not leave me alone. I breathe in and out. Worries surround me and press down on me. I breathe. It is all I can do. Then the words come. The beautiful voice speaks.

"Rather, he himself gives everyone life and breath and everything else." Acts 17:25.

I am breathing. "In him we live and move and have our being." Act 17:28. I am alive. I inhale again, feeling the wind enter my lungs, and with it the hand of God giving me one more breath. His mighty but gentle hand rests on me. He is with me, giving me the strength to breathe one more time. And then more grace; another breath. It is such a small thing, but it is everything. The God of the universe condescends to dwell with me. I breathe in and out again, finding the immeasurable joy of my savior; the savior that has not left me alone in my pain. The infinite dwelling with the limited; giving strength to the weak. Even if it just the strength to take one more breath. My soul praises the Lord, who has not abandoned me.

I breathe in. Teardrops fall. I breathe out.

I wash his feet with my tears.

* * *

 **So welcome to my devotional life. I hope you have found it edifying. I will work through the second conversation in the next few days. If you are interested in my fiction, you may enjoy The Count and the Convict which is a character study on The Count of Monte Cristo and Jean Valjean. It is a philosophical narrative about the tension between justice and mercy and is a good read for those interested in the spiritual life. **


	2. The Tenderness of God

"O LORD, God of Israel, there is no God like you, in heaven or on earth, keeping covenant and showing steadfast love to your servants who walk before you with all their heart." 2 Chron 6:14

"But will God indeed dwell with man on the earth? Behold, heaven and the highest heaven cannot contain you, how much less this house that I have built!" 2 Chron 6:18

"Whatever prayer, whatever plea is made by any man or by all your people, Israel, each knowing his own affliction and his own sorrow and stretching out his hands toward this house, then hear from heaven your dwelling place and forgive and render to each whose heart you know, according to all his ways for you, you only, know the hearts of the children of mankind." 2 Chron 6: 29-30

"That he had always been governed by love, without selfish views; and that having resolved to make the love of God the end of all his actions, he had found reasons to be well satisfied with his method. That he was pleased when he could take up a straw from the ground for the love of God, seeking Him only and nothing else, not even His gifts." -The Second Conversation of The Practice of the Presence of God

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 **The Tenderness of God within the Harshness of our Sin**

 **A meditation on the second conversation of** **The Practice of the Presence of God** **, and 2 Chronicles 6.**

Breathe in and out. The remembrance of his presence begins to fade. I am lost again in the fears of the world, and useless thoughts that spoil all creep in; the sadness of the things I have lost, the fears that I will lose more, the anger I have toward the world and the people in it, the guilt of my own sin. I breathe in and out again, but I am now numb to God's hand on my life. Though He is still there, I cannot feel him giving me the strength to take one more breath. It is just a breath, and the tree is just a tree, and the stars are just stars. But these waves that threaten me, they seem so real. And the waters of fear and sorrow rises. How long has it been since I had stepped out of the boat in faith? How long has it been since I was walking on the water with Christ? When I felt him giving me the strength to breathe just one more time. But now my feet sink, and the despair threatens to swallow me in its waves. And the words that he had spoken to me just a moment before, fall on deaf ears.

I am aware that it is my want of faith; my lack of trust to believe that God can overcome all things, even this. "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me?" To even ask the question feels, sacrilegious. For there is every reason for God to forsake me. What good is there in me? Even my good works are filthy compared to God's righteousness. "All of us have become like one who is unclean, and all our righteous acts are like filthy rags; we all shrivel up like a leaf, and like the wind, our sins sweep us away." Isaiah 64:6. To sweep me away like these waves. If only it were possible to please Him, _then_ maybe he would rescue me. But I lack faith, and these waves are rising. For without faith it is impossible to please my God. "And **without** **faith,** it is impossible to please God because anyone who comes to him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." Heb 11:6.

But Grace. A hand that comes to save. Oh you of little faith, but still even though it is little, Christ saves. "It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, **our** **righteousness** , holiness, and redemption." 1 Cor 1:30. It is Christ's righteousness that pleases the Father, not my own. "Whatever prayer, whatever plea is made by any man . . . each knowing his own affliction and his own sorrow and stretching out his hands toward this house, then hear from heaven your dwelling place and forgive." 2 Chron 6:29-30.

The Love of God. To just say it. The Love of God. As he lifts me out of my useless thoughts and shows me the light of His Love breaking through the storm clouds. Not because of my righteousness, not even because of my strength of faith, but because it is his good pleasure to love me. Me! When my eyes were not even on him. When I was drowning in my own sin. He delighted to rescue for no other reason than it was His great pleasure to do it. Again, I fall at his feet on the wet wood of the boat. And plead, away from me. Though I desperately want Him to keep me near him. Yet still, I cannot bear the grace. Away from me, I am an unclean man, with unclean lips, and I do not deserve to have you dwell with me. And to my surprise, Christ is not willing to cast me away. Who am I, that you would so love me? His words come, you are mine and I will not lose you. His arms wrap around me and he covers me. Together, my savior and I, alone in a boat. The waves have stilled. I exhale. The Love of God.

"That our only business was to love and delight ourselves in God." -Brother Lawrence

"May your priests, LORD God, be clothed with salvation, may your faithful people rejoice in your goodness." 2 Chron 6: 41b


	3. The Assurance of God

"Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life." John 4:13-14

"That it was impossible not only that God should deceive, but also that He should long let a soul suffer which is perfectly resigned to Him, and resolved to endure everything for His sake." -The third conversation from The Practice of the Presence of God.

 **The Assurance of God in the Distractions of Life**

 **Meditation on John 6:1-30 and the third conversation from** **The Practice of the Presence of God**

Suffering is knowing what I desire and realizing I do not have it. It is the fearing that I will never have it. I suffer when good things; love, peace, hope, safety; when these things flee from me. But sometimes, my soul has a brief time of release. The distractions of living life-one foot in front of the other, or lifting of my hand to bring food to my mouth, allow me to forget what it is that I do not have. Not because I feel God dwelling with me, or that I am trying to do what pleases Him; but because my roving mind cannot even forever dwell with my own suffering. I am a despised woman that must get her water in the heat of the day, for a moment I can only thinking about the strain on my muscles from drawing water from that deep well. It is only water. My panting to draw it out is only a normal reaction to muscle fatigue. The sun beating down on me is only the sun. These are the trials of life, nothing more than the struggle common to all men. There seems to be no purpose to the pain of living. I just keep lifting that bucket of water to bring it home-my house of suffering, where I can drink again, and keep myself alive for another day, another day to recognize what I do not have.

But not right now. Now I just lift the bucket. For a short time, I have release from my suffering. Distraction. It is not God. But it will do.

There is something greater than this. I know. I have felt it. I have dwelt with God. I have felt His comfort. Again, though, I forget Him. For a moment, I have forgotten my suffering. If I were to allow it, I could add guilt to my thoughts-the condemnation of failing to walk in His presence all day long. However, I in my mind, do know what grace is. "That when sometimes he had not thought of God for a good while, he did not disquiet himself for it; but after having acknowledged his wretchedness to God, he returned to Him with so much the greater trust in Him as he had found himself wretched through forgetting him." -the third conversation, The Practice of the Presence of God.

Christ comes to me. "Give me a drink."

My water, my labor. He asks for me to give it to Him. My only distraction from my thoughts. Should I give it to Him? It is only water. And I will need it again. But it is my water. My escape from the suffering.

"Give it to me."

The struggle is real.

"Go back to your home, call your husband-call your suffering."

I cannot look at Him, but under my breath, I confess, "I have much suffering that I have not given to you."

He replies with love. "You speak the truth. You have had many husbands and the one you are with now is not your husband." He knows. He knows the suffering I am escaping from.

"Jesus said to her, "Everyone who drinks of this water will be thirsty again, but whoever drinks of the water that I will give him will never be thirsty again. The water that I will give him will become in him a spring of water welling up to eternal life."

I lift my head to look at Him. His shadow shelters me from burning sun. The Assurance of God. "Give me that water, that labor. I have something better for your suffering. I have Myself to give you."

Praise God. How His words can speak to the distractions!

"I know that Messiah is coming (he who is called Christ). When he comes, he will tell us all things." Jesus said to her, "I who speak to you am he." John 4:25-26.

"But the goodness of God assured him He would not forsake him utterly, and that He would give him strength to bear whatever evil He permitted to happen to him." -Brother Lawrence.

Praise to my Lord, who is better than life!


	4. The Support of God

"That when we enter upon the spiritual life, we should consider and examine to the bottom what we are. And then we should find ourselves worthy of all contempt, and not deserving indeed the name of Christians." -Fourth conversation from The Practice of the Presence of God.

"That without being discouraged on account of our sins, we should pray for His grace with a perfect confidence, as relying upon the infinite merits of our Lord Jesus Christ. That God never failed offering us His grace at each action" -Fourth conversation from The Practice of the Presence of God.

"He told me that all consists in one hearty renunciation of everything which we are sensible does not lead to God. That we might accustom ourselves to a continual conversation with Him, with freedom and in simplicity." -Fourth conversation from The Practice of the Presence of God.

"For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, in my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out." Rom 7:18

"Wretched man that I am! Who will deliver me from this body of death? Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, I myself serve the law of God with my mind, but with my flesh, I serve the law of sin. There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus." Rom 7:24-8:1

 **The Support of God for Our Instability**

 **Meditation on Romans 7:7-8:1 and the fourth conversation of The ****Practice of the Presence of God**

It has been a few days now, falling and being lifted up. Over and over again. I am learning to walk, but not like an innocent child; rather a crippled man. Can I live like this forever? Never being able to walk with my God. Always stumbling. He guides me with love. With patience, and kindness. How many times will He forgive me? How many times will he lift me up?

Again, it is His grace that I cannot bear. I want to walk on my own. I want to feel proud of myself. I don't want the world to see me stumble and fail. I want to fix my problems my way-the way of suffering. But I know where that leads. "For while we were living in the flesh, our sinful passions, aroused by the law, were at work in our members to bear fruit for death." Rom 7:5. For a moment, maybe longer, I wonder if death would be better than limping the rest of my life. Falling and being picked up. Would He heal me so I could walk? Another question rebukes me. "Would you walk so that you do not need Me?"

Yes . . . yes. That is my answer.

"Then it is my grace to you, that you limp," Jesus answers. "For I am your gospel. I am your Good News. I am your great reward and your strength. And this limp is the grace you need."

Again, I cannot bear His grace.

"After this, we should not wonder that troubles, temptations, oppositions, and contradictions happen to us from men. We ought, on the contrary, to submit ourselves to them, and bear them as long as God pleases, as things highly advantageous to us." -Brother Lawrence.

Can I trust you, Lord? That you will not deceive me? You have asked me to walk this road of faith, hope, and love. I would choose another road. I _want_ to choose another road. Every part of me says I cannot do what you are asking of me. If I follow you, I will not be able to bear it when someday I fall and you won't be there. Who then will save me, the wretched man that I am! Who then will deliver me from this body of death?

The answer is nothing more than faith. What words can I receive that are not just words? He has given me the strength to breathe, to swim, to submit. I must rest in the knowledge that He has proven Himself faithful in everything he has done and that now he will give me the strength to stumble.

I cannot say that I have a mountainous faith. But maybe I have enough faith to stumble and fall one more time. And to trust that one more time, He will pick me up. "Lord I believe, but please help me with my unbelief."


	5. The Crumbs of God

"But she answered him, "Yes, Lord; yet even the dogs under the table eat the children's crumbs." Mark 7:28

"This made me resolve to give my the all for the all; so after having given myself wholly to God, that He might take away my sin, I renounced, for the love of Him, everything that was not He, and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world. Sometimes I considered myself before Him as a poor criminal at the feet of his judge; at other times I beheld Him in my heart as my Father, as my God. I worshiped Him the oftenest that I could, keeping my mind in His holy presence, and recalling it as often as I found it wandered from Him." -The First Letter from The Practice of the Presence of God

 **The Crumbs of God Verse the Feast I Imagine I Need**

 **A Meditation on Mark 7:24-30 and the first conversation of** **The Practice of the Presence of God**

Crumbs. That is what You give me. You lead me with crumbs. Instead of delivering me from my pain. You make me calm in the midst of it. Don't you know, that is not what I want? I want you to free me from the suffering of this life, not numb me to it. You are the God of the universe, the creator of all things, and by your word the world was created out of nothing. The lame were healed, the blind given sight, the deaf could hear, and the dead brought back to life. Where is that God? The God that separated the Red Sea and the Jordan River, the God that made the walls of Jericho fall, and fed His people for forty years with "something"-who knows what manna even was. Where is that God?

But this woman actually asks for crumbs. What does she know that I don't? Still, she wants her daughter healed. However, she is willing to take whatever Jesus will offer her. Even crumbs. She knows that Jesus has so much power, that to save her daughter takes nothing. She does not presume to ask for something huge, so she thinks. God has infinite power, and this request is so small in light of that. She understands who Jesus is. She believes He can do anything.

Jesus sees it. It is her faith. Then, I realize I do not have that faith. I can list His miracles, but it does not mean I believe He can do them. "Where is God," I ask. What I am really saying is "You can't answer my prayers. You can only give me these crumbs."

To this woman, her crumbs were a feast. She had the faith to ask for a feast and recognize it as crumbs. Saving her child was a miracle, but it was nothing to God. No effort at all, and she knew it.

No, I do not have that kind of faith. I see it now. God gives me what I am able to receive. Though I want deliverance from my life of suffering, my faith can only handle knowing He is with me. To dwell with Him in the storm. To hold His hand in the trials. To let Him lift me up when I fall. He knows what I need. It is not an easy life, but a dependent life that He has for me.

I must learn to let go of everything except Him. As Brother Lawrence said, "I renounced, for the love of Him, everything that was not He, and I began to live as if there was none but He and I in the world." And I will find that that crumb, that small morsel, is actually a feast, a more bountiful feast than anything that I could ever conceive of.

"Give Him thanks, if you please, with me, for His great goodness toward me, which I can never sufficiently admire, for the many favors He has done to so miserable a sinner as I am. May all things praise Him. Amen." -Brother Lawrence.


	6. The Love of God

"I consider myself as the most wretched of men, full of sores and corruption, and who has committed all sorts of crimes against his King. Touched with a sensible regret, I confess to Him all my wickedness, I ask His forgiveness, I abandon myself in His hands that He may do what He pleases with me. The King, full of mercy and goodness, very far from chastising me, embraces me with love, makes me eat at His table, serves me with His own hands, gives me the key of His treasures; He converses and delights Himself with me incessantly, in a thousand and a thousand ways, and treats me in all respects as His favorite." -The second letter from The Practice of the Presence of God.

"The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.

He makes me lie down in green pastures.

He leads me beside still waters.

He restores my soul.

He leads me in paths of righteousness for his name's sake.

Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,

I will fear no evil,

For you are with me;

Your rod and your staff,

They comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence of my enemies;

You anoint my head with oil;

My cup overflows.

Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life,

And I shall dwell in the house of the LORD forever." -Psalm 23

 **The Love of God for the Weary Soul**

 **A meditation on Psalm 23 and the Second Letter of** **The Practice of the Presence of God**

I am humbled to think that these two passages need no other comments, they speak so well for themselves. What can I add other than what they say already?

I think again about God's "crumbs;" how I was unhappy with what He gave me. Since He did not give me what I asked for in my prayers, I was angry. There is a reality in the statement, "Blind anger." "But whoever hates his brother is in the darkness and walks in the darkness, and does not know where he is going, because the darkness has blinded his eyes." 1John 2:11. Whether I hate my brother, or in a way, hate God, this is true.

I blind myself. I can't see what God is doing with me, and how he is giving me mercy. To list the love of God and how it has been manifested to me, a sinner, just from these two passages, is too wonderful to comprehend. He does not chastise me. He embraces me with love. He makes me eat at His table (Brother Lawrence paraphrases Psalm 23). He serves me with his own hands. He gives me the key to His treasures. He talks to me. He delights in me. He treats me as His favorite. He makes me rest (lie down in green pastures). He restores my soul (leads me to still waters). He leads me in righteousness, that I would be like Him, for His namesake (important to remember it is not because I am so amazing and beautiful that He loves me-rather because _He_ is so amazing and beautiful that He loves me). Even though I walk through this life of pain and suffering, He is with me, never leaving me. He comforts me with His guidance and even correction (rod and staff). He anoints my head with oil (treats me as His favorite just like Brother Lawrence observed). He pours out goodness and mercy on me abundantly (my cup overflows).

But I didn't get what I wanted. He didn't change my circumstances. And so all of those blessings sit on me, but I couldn't see them. Still, He dwells with me in mercy and love, and I rage at Him for how he is withholding from me. He delights in me, and I shake my fist. He covers me with His love, and I shout, "Where are you!" He treats me as His favorite, and I wonder what He is doing for me.

But far from chastising me for it all, He gives me more grace. He even gives me the grace to see. For He is a God that makes the blind man see. And here He does it again. He does it for me. I see my state, not clearly, but better. I see a glimpse of His love for me, and my foolishness. Suddenly, the world changes. The wonderful love of God. Who can describe it? It is terrible and awful and so so good. Praise the Lord, Oh my soul. Praise the Lord.


	7. The Calm of God

"Two things I ask of you;

Deny them not to me before I die:

Remove far from me falsehood and lying;

Give me neither poverty nor riches;

Feed me with the food that is needful for me,

Lest I be full and deny you and say, "Who is the Lord?"

Or lest I be poor and steal and profane the name of my God." Proverbs 30:8-9

"We have a God who is infinitely gracious and knows all about our wants. I always thought that He would reduce you to extremity. He will come in His own time, and when you least expect it. Hope in Him more than ever; thank Him with me for the favors He does you, particularly for the fortitude and patience which He gives you in your afflictions. It is a plain mark of the care He takes of you. Comfort yourself, then, with Him and give thanks for all." -The Third Letter from The Practice of the Presence of God

 **The Repose of God for the Forgetful Soul**

 **A meditation of Proverbs 30:8-9 and the third letter from** **The Practice of the Presence of God**

A day of rest. For one day, life felt like it was going to be okay. One day. I should have praised God for it. I should have rejoiced that He had actually answered my prayer. To fall on my knees in tears proclaiming, "Bless the Lord O' my soul! You have looked with favor on your servant!"

That is what I should have done. The reality is, I thought not once about God the entire time. "Who is the Lord?" was the unspoken question of my heart. I was full and at peace, and God was not in my thoughts. Nebuchadnezzar on his roof could have written about my attitude perfectly as he stood on the roof of his palace. "Is not this great Babylon, which I have built by my mighty power as a royal residence and for the glory of my majesty?" Daniel 4:30.

The writer of the Proverb said it well, "Give me neither poverty nor riches… lest I be full and deny you." The purpose of my afflictions comes into focus. As long as I have suffering, my heart is drawn into the presence of God. It is humbling to think that I do not have the faith to dwell with Him in times of peace. Yet there is grace even for that, for Christ's knows the heart of all men and how fragile they are. Even the Psalmists cry out to God in their distress, over and over and over again. When they are crushed, then they dwell with God. It is no different now.

So Lord, please do not crush me with these afflictions, for I am frail and likely to despise you. And do not give me so much peace that I forget you. I am but a man, sinful and wandering, and left to my own devices I will hate you or forget you. These sufferings and this repose are your rod and staff, guiding me to draw nearer to you. For you are stronger than my sufferings, and you are more wonderful than my moments of peace. "Thank Him with me for the favors He does you, particularly for the fortitude and patience which He gives you in your afflictions. It is a plain mark of the care He takes of you. Comfort yourself, then, with Him and give thanks for all." -Brother Lawrence


	8. The Value of God

"My soul yearns, even faints for the courts of my LORD; my heart and my flesh cry out for the living God. Even the sparrow has found a home, and the swallow a nest for herself, where she may have her young-a place near your altar, LORD Almighty, my King and my God." Psalm 84:2-3

"He complains much of our blindness, and cries often that we are to be pitied who content ourselves with so little. God, saith he, has infinite treasure to bestow, and we take up with a little sensible devotion, which passes in a moment. Blind as we are, we hinder God and stop the current of His graces. But when He finds a soul penetrated with a lively faith, He pours into it His graces and favors plentifully" -The Fourth Letter from The Practice of the Presence of God

 **The Value of God and the Lesser Pleasures of Life**

 **A meditation on Psalm 84 and the fourth letter from** **The Practice of the Presence of God**

The Psalmist's words pierce me to the heart. Maybe, I'm not angry with God anymore. I trust that the pain in my life is for a purpose. That He has a plan. This is not the God from the book, The Shack, who can only cry with me in my pain but is so shackled as to be unable to make any changes. This is the God who is in control. He has a plan. And I know that _my_ plan is too finite. As Paul quotes the Psalmist so do I, "For YOUR sake we are being killed all the day long; we are regarded as sheep to be slaughtered. No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us." Romans 8:36-37. How can he come to terms with the fact that God is "slaughtering" him? Because he knows that the God that is in control, is not evil, but that He has a deep love for him, a love that he describes in the very next verse. "For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:38-39. Nothing that can happen in this life can rob him of the joy found in the love of God. He is looking beyond the struggles of this life and into eternity.

So no, I am not angry with God. But I am not like Paul; I just don't think of Him much. I am satisfied with what comes my way, and I don't need to think about God's presence. There is still pain. My life has not changed much. My cries go up when it becomes too much. But otherwise, I just bear it and find pleasure in other things, little things that distract my mind from what is real. "He complains much of our blindness, and cries often that we are to be pitied who content ourselves with so little." -Brother Lawrence. And certainly, it is little.

The Psalmist reminds me of what I am missing. "For a day in your courts is better than a thousand elsewhere." Psalm 84:10. Even the birds know this and nest in its rafters. May I remember that today. "For the LORD God is a sun and shield; the LORD bestows favor and honor. No good thing does he withhold from those who walk uprightly. O LORD of hosts, blessed is the one who trusts in you!" Psalm 84:11-12. Having sought your presence in the past, I know this to be true. Brother Lawrence also recognized this; "But when He finds a soul penetrated with a lively faith, He pours into it His graces and favors plentifully."

Remind me again of your goodness to me. Give me your Spirit to help me live in your presence. Better is one day with you than a thousand elsewhere. Lord draw me in.

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 **The idea that God is in control of all things, even our sufferings has been a terribly difficult truth for me to come to terms with. The previous chapters show some of that struggle which I still deal with, but ultimately is has been four years of brokenness and anger that brought me to this place. For that reason, I will not be offended if that is hard to accept by some readers. You are in good company. If you would like to have a more detailed discussion about it, PM me.**


	9. The Possession of God

"Hear, O Israel; The LORD our God, the LORD is one. You shall love the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand, and they shall be as frontlets between your eyes. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." -Deut 6:4-9

"I know that for the right practice of it the heart must be empty of all other things, because God will possess the heart alone; and as He cannot possess it alone without emptying it of all besides, so neither can He act there, and do in it what He pleases, unless it be left vacant to Him." -The Fifth Letter of The Practice of the Presence of God

 **The Possession of God, Our Hearts**

 **A meditation on Deuteronomy 6:4-9 and the fifth letter from** **The Practice of the Presence of God**

I can't escape from recognizing God's purpose in my pain. Everywhere I turn, it is there. Just as it seems that the suffering is always with me, so too is the explanation for why it is there. "Shall I indeed accept good from the LORD and not adversity." Job 2:10. Especially if it is this adversity that draws me near to Him; emptying me. How I hate it, but somehow, I am learning to-dare I say it-love it. No, I cannot admit that.

"Love the LORD your God with all of your heart and with all your soul and with all your might." I am weak, and my will is not strong enough to accomplish this. But the blessing sits just on the other side of that. God shows "steadfast love to a thousand generations of those who love me and keep my commandments." Exodus 20:6. I want that desire. I am learning to want it more than happiness in this life. But I cannot climb that mountain to get it. Is there anything more difficult than to love God with all of your heart, all of your soul, and all of your might. I cannot love anyone that well, let alone God.

So did God give me a command and a promise that is impossible to achieve? The answer is horrifying. Yes. Not in my own strength. Who then can be saved?

But with God all things are possible. This is the God that turns stone into flesh, like Adam, and so too with me. He is the God that breathes life into the dead. He makes crooked paths straight. He makes all things new. The process is painful. And Brother Lawrence knew it. "He cannot possess [the heart] alone without emptying it of all besides, so neither can He act there, and do in it what He pleases, unless it be left vacant to Him." -Brother Lawrence. Though he also saw the blessing on the other side. "There is not in the world a kind of life more sweet and delightful than that of a continual conversation with God. Those only can comprehend it who practice and experience it."

God would have all of my heart in order to give me all of Himself. These trials are washing away everything that keeps Him out. Until finally my heart is completely vacant and completely devoted to Him. Jesus said, "I told you this so that my joy may be in you, and that your joy would be complete." John 15:11. This is not a pagan god, that desires selfish allegiance and so punishes us when we fail, but rather a God that is willing to cause pain for a short time so that He can give us joy forever. Oh, who is like you O Lord?


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